Is the voice judging you in the mirror also choosing who you date?

It’s an uncomfortable question, mostly because once you notice it, you can’t unsee it.

That same voice that comments on your body, your success, your masculinity, your worth often goes very quiet when you’re drawn to people who reinforce those exact doubts. People who are distant. Inconsistent. Hard to pin down. Slightly unimpressed, no matter how much effort you put in.

You call it chemistry.

But it often feels suspiciously familiar.

How shame sneaks into attraction

Most of us like to believe we choose partners based on desire, compatibility, or shared values. Sometimes we do. But underneath that, there’s often another force quietly shaping who feels attractive.

Internalised shame.

Shame about your body.
About not being successful enough.
About not being masculine enough, confident enough, or “chill” enough.
About being too much or never quite enough.

That shame doesn’t just sit in the background. It looks for confirmation. And one of the easiest ways to confirm a belief is to date someone who treats you the way you already treat yourself.

If a part of you believes you’re lucky to be chosen at all, you might feel drawn to partners who keep you guessing.
If a part of you believes love has to be earned, you might gravitate towards people who make you work for it.
If a part of you believes you’re fundamentally flawed, you might unconsciously choose relationships that keep that story intact.

Not because you enjoy it.
Because it feels normal.

When your inner critic becomes the matchmaker

Your inner critic is persuasive. It doesn’t sound cruel. It sounds practical. Protective. Realistic.

It says things like, “Don’t get your hopes up,” or “This is probably as good as it gets,” or “You should be grateful they’re interested at all.”

When that voice is loud enough, it starts influencing who feels safe to want.

Emotionally available, kind, and clear partners can feel unsettling. Too easy. Too exposing. Like they might actually see you.

Withholding or inconsistent partners, on the other hand, feel familiar. They confirm the critic’s worldview.

See? You knew this would happen.

In this way, the inner critic isn’t just commenting on your life. It’s quietly curating it.

Why this often shows up in queer dating

This pattern shows up loudly in queer dating, particularly for gay men, not because we’re uniquely broken, but because many of us learned early that being fully ourselves came with risk.

Before dating was even an option, we were already scanning. Reading the room. Editing how we spoke, moved, dressed, or wanted things. We learned that acceptance could be conditional, and that staying connected sometimes meant staying slightly filtered.

Those lessons don’t disappear just because you grow up, come out, or look confident on the outside. They settle into the nervous system. They shape what feels familiar in intimacy.

So closeness comes with an edge. Attraction requires effort. Love feels like something you have to manage or earn, rather than receive.

And when something is calm, mutual, and straightforward, it can register as unfamiliar rather than desirable.

The part of you that keeps choosing this

Here’s the part people often find relieving.

The part of you that keeps choosing these partners isn’t stupid or self-sabotaging. It’s protective.

It’s trying to keep you inside what it knows how to survive. Familiar dynamics, even painful ones, can feel safer than risking something unknown, especially something that might challenge the belief that you’re hard to love.

In emotion-focused and parts-based work, we don’t try to silence that voice. We get curious about it. What does it believe about you? What does it think would happen if you were fully chosen?

That’s usually where the real fear lives.

How change actually happens

This isn’t about forcing yourself to date people you’re not attracted to or lecturing yourself into better choices.

Change happens when the emotional system underneath attraction begins to shift.

As shame softens, what feels “normal” in love starts to change. Calm stops feeling boring and starts feeling safe. You notice how you don’t have to perform or audition for affection.

At first, it can feel underwhelming. Less adrenaline. Less intensity.

Then something else shows up.

Ease. Safety. A sense that you don’t have to earn your place.

If this feels close to home

If your dating history echoes your inner critic.
If love has felt like something you have to prove yourself worthy of.

You’re not broken. You’re patterned.

And patterns shaped by shame can be updated.

It starts by noticing that attraction isn’t just about who excites you. It’s also about what your nervous system believes you deserve.

When that belief shifts, so does the kind of love that feels possible.

That’s your inside perspective.